Video

EU commercials analyzed: Telepathy and Genocide

If you watch television in the middle of the night, you are statistically speaking drunk off your ass, lonely, uneducated and jobless. Hah. Nevertheless, it is interesting to see what oddly specific commercials are reserved for this particular demography. These PSA’s are coming from oversubsidized marketingbureaus who hope to convince us of the wonders of the European Union, in all its gorious diversity and tolerance. Unfortunately, the creators did not take the time to look these words up. The result is this video.

Those responsible for Late Night EU have a, well… unique (yes) take on marketing. They handle an aspect of society most people tend to forget about – Kill Bill International No Holds Barred Underground Fighting Tournament! (Cue Mortal Kombat theme song.)

In less than two minutes, these marketing experts make clear they know nothing about the EU, tolerance or diversity. But who am I to let these images speak for themselves? So instead, here is a full head-on analysis. Just keep playing the theme song, you are going to need it:

For starters, if you hope to plagiarize Uma Thurman in one of her lesser roles, give the poor thing a sword. This might be due to ironic ignorance, artistic interpretation or other birth defects, but please think for a moment before you put her up against Vishnu!

Eu-vishnu

His levitation is fueled by the shattered dreams of all the hipster. All. The. Hipster.

Now then, before I start to anticipate on the predictable message of rainbows and purple spotted unicorns, quick question: are Shaolin monks drunk per definition? Because whatever you people force-fed this obviously kidnapped Chinese illegal, my semi-sober mind can’t figure out if this is supposed to be awesome or retarded.

EU-shaolin

Either Kung Fu sign language is a thing in the Red Army, or he’s asking for another bottle of Jägermeister.

Of course, our protagonist could just be imagining things. The warehouse is in fact empty, Vishnu and Cao Cao are but mere manifestations of our own fears and biased depictions of other ethn…

eu-capoeira 3

Crapballs!

eu-capoeira 2

Aaaahh!

I don’t know what this poor girl did to him, but I am convinced it involves a combination of itching powder and ganja. (I will not speak out about which of the two he inhaled.)

eu-capoeira

No man on earth does this to his groin out of free will.

Everything seems lost for The Bride. But not to worry, she quickly surrounds her assailants by the grace of instant cloning.

eu-uma-kloon

Yay diversity!

This is so ridiculously übermensch, the three quickly come to terms with the hopelessness of their situation. And what happens the moment they lower their guard and prepare to negotiate the surrender of their respective continents? Why obviously, the clones erase their existence from the face of the earth. Through telepathy!

eu-uma-kloon2

Yay diversity!

So what can we learn from this mindfuck?

The only thing I can imagine is this proves we really shouldn’t worry about diversity and tolerance. After all, the European Union has us prepared with a secret weapon. Through the power of Zen and sexy spandex, we will be able to banish entire ethnic groups into ethereal nonexistence. Either that, or this was a very ambitious attempt at a PSA on the danger of strokes.

eu-einde

The Clone Wars begin! Place your trust in the force! Or anticoagulants.

 

(Note: this article was first released in Dutch on Solidarisme.be. By popular demand, I decided to translate.)

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply